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The following fragments were unearthed from a cave near the Dead Sea in 2012 and only recently translated from ancient Aramaic. Most educated people have at least a passing familiarity with the Book of Job, the Old Testament attempt to explain what happens when bad things happen to good people. Very few are familiar with recently discovered Book of Gob. Biblical scholars read it as an attempt written during the Babylonian exile to explain when good things happen to really bad people.

In the land of Moloch there lived a man named Gob. This man was petty, vindictive and had small soft hands from never working in the fields. He had no fear of God and courted evil at every turn.  He had three sons and two daughters, and he owned many tall towers and numerous mansions and a large golden throne. He was the greatest man among all the people of the West.

One day six demons came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them.  God said to Satan, “Where have you come from?”

Satan answered, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.”

Then Satan said to the Lord, “Have you considered my servant Gob? There is no one on earth like him; he is dishonest and vile, a man who has no fear of any creature large or small.”

“Does Gob fear you at all?” God asked. “Have you not put a fence around him and his household and the lands that he rules over? You have blessed the work of Gob, so that his money and power are spread throughout the land. But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

Satan said to the Lord, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”

One day when Gob’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, a messenger came to Gob and said, “The riches of the land have disappeared in a cataclysm of financial ruin and the Assyrians made off with your children. They put your minions to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”

While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The fire and brimstone of God rose from the underworld and burned up the golf courses and casinos, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”

While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The Edomites formed raiding parties and swept down on your golden toilet and made off with it. They put the protectors to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”

While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your vassals and sycophants were railing against God and country when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the sturdy dome of the capital. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”

At this, Gob got up and straightened his long red tie and combed his orange head. Then he fell to the ground and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
 and naked I will depart
The Devil has given and the Devil has taken away;
 may the name of Satan be praised.”

In all this, Gob did not cower by charging Satan with abandoning him.

So the Lord afflicted Gob with painful pox from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. Then Gob took a page from the Constitution and wiped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.

His wife said to him, “Are you still bound to the Devil? Curse Satan and live as a righteous man!”

Gob replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from Satan and not trouble?”

In all this, Gob did not doubt in what he said.

When Gob’s three friends, Elon the Amorite, Miller the Philistine, and Bannon the Canaanite heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their suits and made the sign of the iron cross. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his misery.

Gob opened his mouth and praised the day of his birth. “I have been wronged mightily and repeatedly maligned by radical leftist elements in the land I have dominion over. I shall gain vengeance upon my foes real and imagined. With Satan’s help I will dispose of those who stand in the way of the tributes due me and my most loyal friends. My faith in myself shall never waver. I shall enrich myself and my children with infernal fortitude.”

The remaining papyrus scrolls found in earthenware jars have succumbed to the elements, perhaps international antiquities dealers, save for the following fragment:

Satan, my ears had heard you and my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I praise myself and exalt in gold and riches you bring.”

Satan accepted Gob’s prayer and blessed the latter part of Gob’s life even more than the former part.  After this, Gob lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.  And so Gob died, an old man full of years.

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