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Roll the Dice
by Lawrence Kelly and Danny Shot
As the scene opens, two actors in their mid-fifties are seated at a table engaged in a board game of Strat-O-Matic baseball. The game’s pieces and charts are spread out across the table. There are two bottles of O’Douls non-alcoholic beer in view. The time is the present.
LARRY
Second and third. Two outs. This isn’t too bad. It almost tastes like beer.
DANNY
You get used to it. I shouldn’t even be drinking this, but what the hell. What inning is it again?
LARRY
Bottom of the 8th. I cannot believe you still have this game.
DANNY
I’ve had it since 1967.
LARRY
No shit.
DANNY
My sister got it for me when my appendix burst and I was in the hospital for ten days.
LARRY
Yeah but I can’t believe you kept it all these years.
DANNY
My mom kept it. I found it while I was cleaning out her place.
LARRY
Roll the dice. Who’s up?
DANNY
Wes Parker.
LARRY
Wes Parker. Good glove. No stick. Come on Whitey baby!!
DANNY
(shaking the dice) Three-five. Fly ball left field.
LARRY
Uh oh. To Yogi.
DANNY
Twelve. Single and an error on Yogi!
LARRY
Shit.
DANNY
Now we’re on a roll! Watch out Whitey! We’re coming to get you!
LARRY
One run in.
DANNY
First and third. Tying run at the plate. Johnny Roseboro.
LARRY
Yankees lead two to one!
DANNY
Come on Johnny!!
LARRY
Dan. I was thinking. What the hell is a pancreas for? In the body you know? I mean…we know what kidneys do. We know what a liver does. What the hell is the function of a pancreas?
DANNY
The pancreas controls your blood sugar level during digestion. If we didn’t have a pancreas, we’d all have diabetes.
LARRY
Yeah but think of all the ice cream we could eat. Four-six.
DANNY
Fa uuuuuck!
LARRY
What’s it say?
DANNY
Struck him out.
LARRY
(standing, parades around with fists raised above his head)
White-y!! White-y!! White-y!!
DANNY
Fuck Whitey Ford. Top of the 9th. Roll the dice! You’re an idiot.
LARRY
I’m an jerk.
DANNY
You’re a moron.
LARRY
I’m an imbecile.
LARRY & DANNY
(pointing at each other)
We’re assholes. (laughing)
LARRY
(sits back down)
Remember when we first said that?
DANNY
Absolutely.
LARRY
You had gotten that new slingshot from your Dad.
DANNY
I thought it was the coolest thing.
LARRY
It was cool. We headed over to that lot on Jefferson.
DANNY
We started scooping up rocks and trying to pick off the birds from the trees.
LARRY
We were terrible shots.
DANNY
Yeah. But then you got lucky.
LARRY
Yeah. I don’t know how. But remember? I hit that blue jay right square in the head.
DANNY
Its feathers flew all around and it tried flapping its wings to get away.
LARRY
And it fell thud straight to the ground and started flapping and convulsing for like ten minutes. And then. It just stopped.
DANNY
We both just stood there staring at it for what seemed like, I don’t know, an hour.
LARRY
And then we both simultaneously, it was unbelievable, simultaneously, we both murmur…
LARRY & DANNY
We’re assholes.
DANNY
That’s when I realized you were my best friend.
LARRY
Yeah I think me too.
DANNY
Who’s up?
LARRY
Whitey Ford. Can Sandy Koufax strike out Whitey Ford?
DANNY
Come on man. It’s Koufax! Brooklyn boy. Did you know my Uncle Willy used to see him in the neighborhood on the way home from Shul?
LARRY
He didn’t pitch on the Sabbath or something like that.
DANNY
No not Sabbath. Yom Kippur. That’s the big one.
LARRY
Isn’t that soon?
DANNY
Friday.
LARRY
Happy New Year.
DANNY
Roll the dice.
LARRY
(shaking the dice)
Three-four. Walk! Koufax walks Ford!
DANNY
Shit. Come on Sandy! Who’s up?
LARRY
Tony Kubek. Did you know that before?
DANNY
Did I know what before?
LARRY
What a pancreas is?
DANNY
Did I know it before what?
LARRY
Before. You know. Did you know that or did the doctor tell you?
DANNY
Roll the dice. Come on Sandy!!
LARRY
(rolls again)
Two-nine.
DANNY
What’s it say?
LARRY
Single!! Single!! First and second.
DANNY
Shit. That’s the problem with this game. The algorithms are in favor of the sluggers. That makes the 61 Yankees too good.
LARRY
The algorithms? Are you fuckin nuts? That’s because they were good! You keep picking the 65 Dodgers because of Koufax. I beat that same team with the 34 Cardinals.
DANNY
That’s my point! The 65 Dodgers can’t hit. They won the World Series with Koufax, Don Drysdale and Claude Osteen. The algorithms are against pitchers.
LARRY
I don’t remember you ever ever ever pitching Drysdale or Osteen.
DANNY
You’re an idiot.
LARRY
I’m a jerk.
DANNY
You’re a moron.
LARRY
I’m an imbecile.
LARRY & DANNY
We’re assholes.
DANNY
Roll the dice.
LARRY
Bobby Richardson! Nobody out buddy!!
DANNY
C’mon roll the dice.
LARRY
Four-nine.
DANNY
Struck him out!!
LARRY
Let me see the card.
DANNY
(Holds card in Larry’s face)
Look at it. Right here.
LARRY
What’s that little star thing there?
DANNY
(Looks closely at card)
Oh fuck. You have to pick a card.
LARRY
Twenty.
DANNY
Oh fuck.
LARRY
Passed ball!! Passed ball!! Passed ball!! Bases loaded!! Is it time to warm up Perranoski?
DANNY
Fuck Perranoski!!
LARRY
So what are you gonna do?
DANNY
I’m keeping him in.
LARRY
I didn’t mean that. What’s next?
DANNY
Next what?
LARRY
What did the doctor say?
DANNY
The usual bullshit.
LARRY
What does that mean? What’s usual?
DANNY
I’ve got months of intense chemo and radiation to look forward to.
LARRY
Chemo or radiation?
DANNY
Chemo and radiation. And then they want to cut into me to see what’s left.
LARRY
You do what you gotta do.
DANNY
Roll the dice. Who’s up?
LARRY
Who’s up? Who else is up? (as Bob Sheppard) Ladies and gentlemen! Now batting! For the New York Yankees. The centerfielder. Number seven. Mickey Mantle. Number seven. Mantle homered against Koufax in the 61 Series. Sure you don’t want to bring in Perranoski?
DANNY
This is the 65 Koufax. The one who struck out 382 batters. Last I remember, Mantle struck out a lot.
LARRY
You don’t remember well.
DANNY
I’m not gonna do it.
LARRY
Not gonna do what?
DANNY
The chemo and radiation shit. I’m not doing that.
LARRY
You’re not doing that? What are you gonna do? Pray it away?
DANNY
I’m not doing it.
LARRY
What’s the alternative? What happens if you do nothing?
DANNY
Whatever. Roll the fucking dice.
LARRY
Two-eight. Uh ohhhhhh. You’re done.
DANNY
Noooo?
LARRY
Yep!! Grand slam!!! Mickey Mantle!! 6 to 1. Nobody out!!
DANNY
Fuck.
(Gets up from table and heads to the refrigerator)
I’m done.
LARRY
Where are you going? The game’s not over.
DANNY
It is for me.
LARRY
I don’t want to break it to you pal. But the home team bats last. You still have a shot in the bottom of the 9th.
DANNY
Call it the mercy rule. I’m done!
LARRY
(Rises and walks toward Danny)
You haven’t changed since we were kids! You always quit when you fall behind big! It pisses me off! I can never get you to finish.
DANNY
I know a lost cause when I see one.
LARRY
Nothing’s ever a lost cause! Look at the 69 Mets. Sit down and finish the game!
DANNY
I don’t want to! I’m done! I’m done! You hear me? I’m done!
LARRY
(Sits back down… LONG Pause)
You’re a fuckin quitter. You quit on strato-matic and you quit on this pancreas shit. I don’t get you. You’re fuckin impossible.
DANNY
What do you know about impossible? No miracle is gonna happen here. This ain’t the 69 Mets. This is my choice. This is happening to me.
LARRY
You don’t quit. You do whatever you have to do to beat this thing.
DANNY
Yeah..well. This is what I have to do.
LARRY
Yeah you’re right. Quit. Go ahead.
DANNY
(Sits back down with two bottles of O’Douls… LONG PAUSE)
Fuck you.
LARRY
Fuck you.
DANNY
(Pause)
Roll the dice. Just shut up and roll the dice.
LARRY
Roger Maris is up.
DANNY
Hold on. I’m bringing in Perranoski.
LARRY
Good choice. Keep it going Roger!!
DANNY
You’re an idiot.
LARRY
I’m a jerk.
DANNY
You’re a moron.
LARRY
I’m an imbecile.
LARRY & DANNY
We’re assholes.
(As the lights fade)
Three-six. Uh oh… struck him out. See? It ain’t over til it’s over…
performed at the NYC Theater Summerfest, September 2018